Don't Say I'm Shy

Many people tend to view a quiet person as "shy."  Many also think this is a fault, and they think we don't know we have this "problem."  Hence the comments I hear "you're so shy; you never talk!"  Thanks, as if I didn't know I was quiet.  Thanks, you just embarrassed me too.  Why is it people seem to think they need to tell us about our "problem"?  In polite society, you don't hear someone say to someone else at a party, "you're so fat, I don't think you should be eating."  But no, you hear equivalents of "you're so shy.  Why can't you talk more?"

I've tried.  I've tried interjecting myself into group conversations around a dinner table or in someone's living room.  Perhaps I'm too self-conscious, but it seems when I do get a word in edgewise, everyone is so shocked I said something that there is a momentary lull, no one laughs or responds to what I say, and then a person launches off quickly in a new direction.  Lesson learned: just listen.

What is shyness?  Dictionary.com says: 1- bashful; retiring.  2- easily frightened away; timid.  3- suspicious; distrustful.  4-reluctant; wary.  I don't see any reference to being quiet.  I think I'm a quiet person, but if I'm shy, I often wonder if it's because I've been labeled so much that I believe it.  Perhaps I'm just a different type of person than "everyone else," but I know there are others out there like me.  If the conversation is interesting to me, I do have something to say, but small-talk pleasantries actually wear me out.  Having to sit there and smile at someone I don't really know, and think of polite, general things to say, is something I'd rather avoid.  

An example: Thanksgiving Day a few years ago, and we were all home.  I was 20 or so.  My older sisters had each brought a friend with them, and they were all in the kitchen with my mom, laughing and talking.  I had met the friends, and then retreated to hang out with my brothers.  They didn't need me in the kitchen.  What would I contribute anyway?  Then I heard, "oh, she's in the other room.  She's really shy."  Meaning me.  This from my outgoing, never-quiet sister who had no idea what her statement did to me.  When I had to face the friends later at the dinner table, I felt like they were all thinking, "oh, that's the really shy sister.  Better be kind and nice to her since she's 'different.' " 

So in the future, if you come across someone who is quiet, don't assume they are shy, or stupid, or they can't think for themselves.  (Some of us actually do more thinking, but less talking.  When do the always-talking have time to think?)  Be kind to us, but don't look down on us.  Just be patient, and in time you may find that we can be really fun people, but we just have our guard up with strangers.  And don't say we're shy.